My Pithy Contributions

Introduction#

I've gained a reputation for simple, pithy, sarcastic, (and supposedly) funny comments. This is just a place to collect them. Some of them may require context that I may or may not provide, but here they are.

Jotisms#

  1. “If you’re going to continue to try to apply logic to this, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
  2. "You're not making memories unless someone is suffering."
  3. "We need to wait until our ideas become their ideas." - Vignettes
  4. "I would like to see an api-by-mail service. It would give a whole new meaning to 'Post'"
  5. "It's not unconcious bias if you do it intentionally."
  6. "Thank goodness. I get so offended by directness."
  7. "Do you there there is a script writer job where the people enjoy ensuring that the script has no soul?" - Context: Corporate all-hands
  8. "I've heard that /dev/null is a great nosql solution. Fantastic write performance."
  9. "I'm not sure who I irritated to get added to this." - Context: Oh look, a new slack channel
  10. "Wow, you all must feel like you're at the Whitehouse celebration a National Championship." - Context: ...and you get served McDonald's.
  11. "Listen, your attempts to provide links and actual data are not going to dissuade me from making smart-ass comments about things."
  12. "You're not making memories unless someone is suffering. And in this case, that someone is anyone who has to see me in the suit." - Context: Shinesty
  13. "Trying to time the market is like trying to time an engine. If you look too closely you're at risk of seizures." - Context: How an engine timing gun works
  14. "Just because you can create a slack channel, doesn't mean you should."
  15. "So many comments...so much restraint."
  16. "ML is the new blockchain. Blockchain is the new social. Social is the new mobile. Mobile is the new tablet. Tablet is the new smartphone. Smartphone is the new internet. Ergo, ML is the internet."
  17. "Can someone train an ML model for me to explain that ML lifecycle slide to me?"
  18. "Also, figuring out what channel you're supposed to ask for help in is like asking around at camp for who has the bacon stretcher."
  19. "'Ideally, this would just be in WorkDay'... I'm not sure that's a sentence that's ever been typed."
  20. "I'm wondering how long until you have all of the content of the page actually in the URL."
  21. "Yeah, but what could it do if you trained it on music instead of stuff from Morrissey?" - Context: Someone used Smiths music to create an ML model to create Smiths music.
  22. "I don't know how it is for everyone else, but 'working tirelessly' makes me really tired."
  23. "I'm just calling my shot now: Tomorrow when the market opens, our stock will be up and/or down."
  24. "A box doesn't 'go bad'. It's not like it's from the other side of the tracks or has joined a gang."
  25. "I'm glad we have Customer Success Managers, because Customer Failure Managers wouldn't be as well received."
  26. "I'm thinking about adding 'This is an email that could have been a meeting. You're welcome.' to my .sig."
  27. "Do you need data to backup your perspective? Subscribe to 'Gartner Sorta', where we can give you whatever data supports your biases." - Context: Got an email about some sort of new data service Gartner was providing.
  28. "I think the easist summary would be that you can figure out which KPIs we track with the following regex: .* "
  29. "Just last week I was telling someone that the fastest way to make me angry was to lie to me in such a way that it was obvious that you thought I was stupid. Henceforth, I will refer to this email as 'Exhibit A'."
  30. "If you're not selling fry-bread there, you're not allowed to call it a fair. I'm looking at you 'Job Fair' and you 'College Fair'." (Acceptable substitutes: Funnel cake, Elephant ears)
  31. "The worst part about being a parent is recognizing that, as an adult you can have ice cream for dinner, but as a parent you can't have ice cream for dinner."
  32. "I'm the only person in the world that makes up unsubstantiated facts."
  33. "Don't make me resort to empty threats."
  34. “Once you’ve shattered both collarbones, strapless evening gowns become less important.”
  35. "Sometimes two stupids makes a smart."
  36. "There are few things more unifying, as a nation, than the hatred of Ticketmaster".
  37. "No, thank you." - Context: Used when someone wants you to do something, but phrases it as a question. i.e. Can you take out the trash? "No, thank you."
  38. "The chasm between 'know' and 'think' is larger than the Grand Canyon."
  39. "I always use hyperbole."
  40. "My pain tolerance is writing checks my body can't cash."

Reactions#

  • Felipe: "@Jot - I actually googled "masochism app" until I realized it was sarcasm"
  • Greg: "Rule 1: Never Google anything Jot says."